I am not even going to attempt poetry right now since Ive had an awful time trying to express myself lately.
I havent really been feeling myself, or doing things I usually enjoy. I think I had anxiety attacks or asthma attacks recently. They really hurt my chest, and like usual a part of me enjoyed it. Enjoyed feeling such immense pain because it was almost like finally something worthwhile is happening in this boring grey toned bullshit of a month.
Its so common some times to feel so out of my body. I leave a song on repeat for the entire day or two, just getting lost in it. I imagine it as the soundtrack to my life, if my life was happening like a movie. I imagine myself on the top of a steep side of a mountain like I have been before, staring out at the field of hills and smaller mountains completely covered in trees. I felt alive, and I do when I remember it. I imagine being all by myself so far away from any body else. Its silent, but the “sound track” is playing in my head.
I feel so, so restless. Impatient. I want to escape, this, all. I want the nothing that is everything. I want it to swallow me and drown out everything in my wake, everything that is me, physically, gone. I want to feel apart of the vibration that is the whole of life, the sound in the wind and trees breathing.
Ok, so Ive found I am finding it possible to express myself here. I think thats the funny thing about time, changing so rapidly.
And you find, its no surprise that everybody feels the need to look back into it, into time and thoughts. Can we move forward? Or are we even moving? I cannot feel it, see it. I just imagine that I am in the everlasting presence that is among the mountains, wind, trees.
I cant see myself, maybe because Im not really here.


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